Hide diaries: Depression & Kingfishers

So after a Depressive chokehold and an autistic meltdown and deciding to give up photography, obviously I didn’t.

As said in a previous post, I can’t help from scratching the itch.

My Depression is still getting the better of me, and I’m not in a hopeful enough mood to say “I will get better though” because it’d just be a lie I’m saying to appease people and to feel like less of a misery sharer.


I have seen a bird recently I’ve been trying to see again since my previous sighting  

Yup, I saw my second ever Kingfisher.

Comparing to my previous photographs, I’m happier with the shots I got this second time around.

Kingfisher 3Kingfisher 4Kingfisher 5Kingfisher 2019 augustKingfishers 2018 august 2

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I can’t stop the itch: Bird photography and disability.

I was going through a depressive blip mixed in with an autistic meltdown in my last post.

I still feel somewhat the same about most nature reserves not being as wheelchair friendly as they advertise.

Or perhaps the difference is wheelchairs and powerchairs.

Perhaps they’re often wheelchair friendly, but not for powerchairs.

But I can’t stop the itch to watch the birds and try to get photographs.

But I know how frustrated I’m going to get again.

I guess just watch this space for more frustration.

Disability and wildlife photography: Why I’m giving it up

The truth is not enough places where you can see the wildlife are disabled friendly.

And I wouldn’t even dream of pushing an agenda that we make more places for viewing wildlife more disabled-friendly because the harsh truth of it is that it will and does more damage to the environment of the very wildlife we’re trying to get a view of.

And this is why with a heavy heart I say goodbye to bird photography and all it entails.

I’m so tired of reading and seeing photographs from people who travel to all these nature reserves that I could never get to in a million years. Because most of them aren’t as wheelchair friendly as they like to advertise themselves as.

Yes, it’s a petty part of me, a jealous green-eyed monster within me that is tired of seeing other peoples wildlife viewing success.

But it is what it is. This is how I’m currently feeling.

I’ve been feeling at odds with the whole disability, environment and wildlife thing for a while now.

Trying to move past these feelings and just ‘carry on’ as people say.

But I can’t move past these feelings.

I’m increasingly frustrated and I can feel it turning into a sense of mourning for what I managed to grow passionate about despite my Depression and other things combined. I’d spent many, many years far too depressed to have any interest in anything.

Only to rekindle a childhood interest in wildlife but find that actually, it’s just not practical.

And I realise it would be selfish of me to say we need to make these spaces more accessible. I wouldn’t be thinking of the wildlife, I’d only be only thinking about me and my possibility of viewing it.

We lie to ourselves as a society, especially in communities like the RSPB, Wetland trust etc that we can make space for wildlife while also making it viewable and accessible for disabled people.

But this lying isn’t fair on anybody or anything.

It’s time I let go of a hobby and interest that is too impractical.

I wish I could post on a happier note.

Thanks to anyone who has liked my photos and followed.

Hide diaries: A celebration of Gull’s

Gulls are the bird that when you’re out hoping to see birds, people will often see a Gull and say, “Oh it’s just a Gull.” I’ve said it myself.

Because they’re so common and regularly seen.

But actually, I’ve grown to love them.

One of those reasons is they’re so common and regularly seen that you can practice photography skills on them!



Gull 1Gull 2Gull 3Gull 4Gull 5Gull reflectionGulls wingsGullsMore gulls1C1A022771C1A023881C1A024441C1A028441C1A028551C1A02877

Hide Diaries: July the month of the Mistle Thrush

A Mistle Thrush and what I think is it’s youngen kept appearing in the garden.

The younger one spent what seemed to be an entire Sunday morning giving a rattle call right beneath my window!

The adult

The Juvenile

Mistle thrush juvenile 2Mistle thrush juvenile
I see the Mistle Thrush around in the little wooded area next to where I live too and they’ve let me walk up quite close to them.

Meanwhile, there have been plenty of juveniles around the garden of all different species.

A juvenile Jay potentially but I’m not good at recognising juveniles in Jays despite them being my favourite bird. And the Jays, in general, have kept on coming to the garden for peanuts

Juvenile Blue tits, great tits and nuthatches have been feeding on the seeds.

Juve ble titGreat tit 1Great tit 2

One Juvenile wood pigeon, a wood pigeon blind in one eye frequents the garden and eats the peanuts up if the Jay’s haven’t already been.

Bullfinches male and female frequent the feeder.

Juvenile Goldfinches, adult Goldfinches, chaffinches.

A juvenile Dunnock

Juvenile dunnock or robin

Thoughts on conservation

Both sides of the human narrative on nature and conservation forget humans are animals too.

There is the side that thinks humans are better than other animals and then there is the side that thinks humans are some kind of virus.

Both sides amount to the idea that other animals don’t know better when they’re destructive but humans do.

And of course the ultimate argument we’re much more destructive than any other animal since the damage we do happens on a larger scale.

But destruction is as much a part of nature as is creation and the truth is creation doesn’t come without destruction. While there is some truth to the idea that we have more knowledge about the damage we do, a lot of things we have done aren’t intentional destruction, but like other animals just us going with our instincts and our natural inclination to need to create and move things ‘forward’

There appears to be an assumption that humans play no role in the ecosystem.

Talk of ourselves as we’re intruders outside of the system destroying it.

I don’t think view helps us in the long run.

We need to first acknowledge that we are not destroying the planet from outside of the system, we are in the very system itself.

We are a part of it.

We can either think of ourselves as outsiders who destroy and be sad and disappointed with ourselves as a species.

Or we can think of ourselves as outsiders who destroy but who cares? We’re outsiders anyway, right?

Both sides may disagree, but both sides make humans outsiders and feeling like outsiders will only create more people who couldn’t care less about the damage they do.

Because once you realise we’re animals too and that we’re a part of that ecosystem you may well find you and others find themselves caring more about the planet, caring more about the other animals around us and perhaps then behaving more consciously.  

Hide Diaries: Nuthatches and the lessons on the virtues of patience continues…

It’s not just the birds that test my patience. It’s also myself and all the things that go on inside my head.

One week as I made my way out to an RSPB reserve I had purposely not read the recent sightings on the RSPB site, so as not to lead to disappointment when I don’t see what is listed.

I also kept silently wishing I would see a Nuthatch close enough to get some good photographs. Out of all the birds I could have chosen from that might just appear at an RSPB reserve a Nuthatch may seem the least obvious.

But I’d yet to get a good photo of Nuthatches and they were on my list of birds to “Get a good photo close up.”

So as I wheeled along I was looking out in the trees for the little evasive, fast gits.

And much to my amazement, my wish came true! Better than that! I saw a juvenile Nuthatch too!


I love the faded look of the colours coming from on juvenile birds,  the Nuthatch is no exception. I can’t remember if the photo above was the adult, it’s hard to tell from the angle of the photograph. But the bottom one, with that faded grey look to its head that’s the juvenile.

I’ve had Nuthatches in the garden where I live since, and one of them was most certainly juvenile too! No photos of that, though not for lack of trying!

As for other birds in the garden, the Jays have continued with their daily visits and I have continued to repay them for the pleasure of seeing them with peanuts.

A squirrel occasionally gets there first though

Squirrel July.jpg

This squirrel is also confident enough to beg under my window for peanuts. I suspect it’s also the squirrel that also isn’t very baffled by the squirrel baffle I put up for the sunflower seed feeder!

I’m sure it won’t take long for his other mates to work it out either.

I continue on my mission to see my second kingfisher and hopefully get photos and to better the last ones I managed to get.